Administrative Affairs

The petition is entitled Establish a dedicated government department aimed at improving the efficiency of the government machine. The Minister for Administrative Affairs be a cabinet level figure to ensure concern with good governance is shared at the highest level and the explanatory notes say

"There is a pressing need to improve efficiency at the highest level of government. This department would create a dedicated team, led by high calibre civil servants with a nose for detail, who could seek out maladministration and nip it in the bud. This dynamic hub of activity should be seperate to the Cabinet Office and number 10, being it's own fully fledged department."

I do hope the civil servant who let this through in spite of the clear position from the EPetitions site that "We decided it was impossible to justify this use of Civil Service time, or to come up with clear guidelines as to what amounts to good or bad taste. Reluctantly therefore we have decided no longer to accept petitions which are obviously intended as jokes."

For the benefit of any hopelessly naive teenagers who happen to be reading in bewilderment (hello, Will), I suggest a brief perusal of Wikipedia's page on Yes Minister, followed by perhaps a chat with your parents and, if at all possible, some watching of the show or reading of the books.

Good King Nick

The petition is entitled make Nicholas G Dixon-Clegg the monarch of a newly reuninted British Empire and the explanatory notes say

"I know it makes sense. You know it makes sense. Make it so."

The only thing that puzzles me about this petition is that the EPetitions: Facts, figures and progress page says quite clearly

"Initially we accepted humorous petitions, on the grounds that they did no harm and were often funny. However, particularly after the site received publicity in the media, we found that more and more time was being taken up considering borderline cases where supposedly humorous petitions risked being seen as offensive or in bad taste. Some users also contacted us to complain about silly petitions undermining the serious purpose of the site.

We decided it was impossible to justify this use of Civil Service time, or to come up with clear guidelines as to what amounts to good or bad taste. Reluctantly therefore we have decided no longer to accept petitions which are obviously intended as jokes."

Does that mean that the Civil Service moderator(s) think this was serious? If so - EEEK!

Private Sector Road Priority

The petition is entitled Give Private Sector Motorist Priority on the roads and the explanatory notes say

"Private sector employees and businesses pay taxes that keep the rest of the country moving. Yet they share the roads with public sector motorist, pensioners and school run trips, causing billions of pounds in delayed commuting to work for PS workers.

Non PS car drivers only draw from the taxes paid by PS workers, and then pay it back in to the system. They do not contribute to the wealth of the country.

Private sector workers should be given priority to get to over public sector workers, pensioners and school run trips. They should also be exempt from speeding fines, clamping, parking and other traffic offences. Traffic lanes should be coloured red for PS workers and normal tarmac for the rest. Any driver found in the private lane who is not a registered PS worker should be banned from driving for a year and forced to pay large fines.

2 plus lane schemes should be used to support private sector commuters and not school run families."

This, surely, has to be a joke or satire? He surely is aware that, for example, all road-users pay taxes on their road use, and indeed that everyone pays tax on any income and VAT on things they buy and so on and so forth? Surely?

Really, I'm just flagging this for your attention, be it horror-struck or humorous depending on how real you think the petition is (I'm oscillating, myself, between thinking no one could be this daft and fearing that actually they could ...)

National Anthem

The petition is entitled replace the National Anthem with the theme from BBC Radio 4's The Archers and the explanatory notes say

"Isn't it time that we selected a new National Anthem that we can all be proud of.

Isn't it time that we selected a new National Anthem that we all know the words to.

Isn't it time that we got back to the good old days where the National Anthem is played everyday on the BBC.

What better Anthem than Barwick Green, the classic theme from Radio 4's The Archers.

[Credit for this brilliant and original idea goes to Billy Connolly]

There can be very few people who cannot get their tongue round the following lyrics...

Rum Tee Tum Tee Tum Tee Tum; Rum Tee Tum Tee Daa Daa; Rum Tee Tum Tee Tum Tee Tum; Rum Tee Diddlee Tum;

Daa Daa Diddlee; Daa Daa Diddlee; Daa Daa Diddlee Dum;

Rum Tee Tum Tee Tum Tee Tum; Rum Tee Diddlee Tum [Repeat]"

What nonsense! It goes "Tum te tum te tum te tum, tum te tum te tum tum"! Why on earth should we listen to the views of some madman who can't even get the words right?

Wheat Crunchies

The petition is entitled bring back the worcester sauce flavoured wheat crunchies in the multipacks and the explanatory notes say

"these have been replaced by "cheese" flavour!!! whats that all about?? Not even "cheese n onion" but just "cheese"?!?!?"

I suggest the petitioner get better taste. Wheat crunchies? Of all the savoury snacks, these are possibly the dullest! (OK, OK, rice cakes are worse. But still ...)

Tea and Biscuits

The petition is entitled Make Tea and Digestives free on the NHS to improve social interaction and there are no explanatory notes. Who needs them?

This petition is no good. Now if they'd said chocolate digestives ..!

Juggling

The petition is entitled stand on his head and juggle ice-cream and the explanatory notes read

"If he's not going to resign, the least he can do is provide us with some entertainment.

I quite agree. I think I might sign it. I felt I should flag it for your attention!

Backlog: These are Jokes, Aren't They?

The next bit of the backlog to be tackled is clearly the petitions that, please, please, please, are jokes. Aren't they?

• enforce laws pertaining to the practice of archery by boys and men from 12 years and older,for 2 hours on a sunday,supervised by clergy.also to repeal the ban on bowhunting. (I used to go out with a chap who was at various points in the relationship the Secretary and Captain of the Durham University Archery Club. I can therefore vouch for the fact that not even they obey this law: they shoot on Wednesdays and Saturdays.)
• to allow the sale of elephants in pet shops in the UK
• establish a law
  that forbids hairdressers and fish and chip shop owners from giving their establishments silly names.
• Pass law that eggnog must be available to patrons of all licensed premises during Advent (Arguably, since most pubs serve advocaat, an alcoholic drink containing eggs, most of them already comply with this request ...)
• Introduce a 99p coin.
• Prohibit the sale of Baked Beans
• replace the national anthem with 'Gold' by Spandau Ballet (4324 people have signed this ...)
• save Earl Grey tea from the heathen philistines of the EU.
• endorse a scheme that would see the child benefit scheme extended to cats. (never let it be said that I am not a cat-lover. However, even I am not such a cat-lover as that ...)